Eye Box

Keeping a critical eye on the world of TV and film

The worst movie taglines: Crank 2 and more

with 12 comments


I’m sure Crank 2: High Voltage is  a shockingly bad film. I haven’t seen it, nor the first one, but you can guarentee that any film with Jason Statham playing a cockney John McClane with the tagline ‘He was dead. Then he got better’ is going to be bloody awful. Granted, a few teenagers with haywire testerone are going to love it in much the same way they regard Statham’s other action franchise The Transporter, but the rest of us will either avoid it or leave the cinema and run straight home for a Coen Bros/Scorcese boxset marathon to exercise the memory.

It’s that tagline, though, that really got me thinking. ‘He was dead. Then he got better.’ are pretty much the worst, most oxymoronical two clauses I’ve ever seen placed next to each other. It says nothing, it means nothing except “Jason Statham is a hard c***”, but also gets across the point that he’s a terrible actor (so maybe there is some redeeming quality to it.)

I’m going to be updating this post in the next few days as and when I recall any other particularly bad movie taglines, but I need your help: Please leave a comment with any golddust you’ve got floating lackadaisically around in your brain head.

Eds note: I’m intending this post as an open forum, i.e. I don’t want to do all the work. (In fact, my part will be close to non-existent.) This also required people leaving comments or I’m going to look pretty stupid.

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Written by jessewhittock

April 16, 2009 at 10:28 am

12 Responses

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  1. Fantastic Four’s “Prepare 4 the fantastic” takes some beating.

    I actually quite like the Crank 2 tagline. SO THERE.

    Ali Plumb

    April 16, 2009 at 10:41 am

  2. Passion of the Christ ….”The greatest story ever told.”

    charlie

    April 16, 2009 at 10:58 am

  3. surely it’s a reference to ‘she turned me into a newt… I got better’ from the witch trial in Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

    duncan

    April 16, 2009 at 11:10 am

  4. Another great tagline from Statham classic The Bank Job: The true story of a heist gone wrong… in all the right ways.

    John Sunyer

    April 16, 2009 at 11:37 am

  5. Holy crap…the randomly generated post link to cinematical.com reveals a post almost identical to this one…do you a click through and you find they’ve done one almost identical to another blog.

    At least there is some kind consensus here, I guess. Still a bit embarrassing.

    jessewhittock

    April 16, 2009 at 11:45 am

  6. Jesse, it pains me to inform you you are preaching from a pulpit of ignorance; Crank is a fantastic film

    Ben

    May 17, 2009 at 2:16 am

  7. oh my god, i thought crank 1 and 2 are amazin films. The idea of a man that was a hit man but his boss turns on him thus giving him (in the 1st film) a chinese remedy that kills him and in the (2nd film) replacing his heart with a fake one. I think script is perfect and there are alot of funny bits and really good stunts in the film. :)jason has been type casted as cockney character so he is going to play the same or similar characters. same with keanu reeves and christian bail. xx

    kerry anne

    June 16, 2009 at 12:57 am

  8. My buddy is watching this movie right now….and the best part of it so far is I learned how to spell lackadaisically….lol

    Gussguss

    September 26, 2009 at 5:27 am

  9. Eh, fuck you buddy. Statham movies are entertaining, and Crank 2 was insanity. I couldn’t believe my eyes for most of this movie. I suppose off in Fagland or wherever you live, people don’t enjoy action movies. In America we love ’em. The acting doesn’t have to be great, but in my opinion there’s nothing better than a pissed off Englishman who speaks with a faggy accent yet kicks ass like an American.

    Fukyu Budhi

    October 5, 2009 at 1:46 pm

  10. The above post is my favourite thing ever. His web address is even http://www.jessewhittocksuckspenis.org. Touching.

    Also very sweet that he thinks Jason Statham has a ‘faggy’ voice. I’m sure Jason would be interested to find out he actually sounds like Kenneth Williams.

    jessewhittock

    October 6, 2009 at 6:22 pm

  11. please do not listen to fuckyu buddy, i don’t want people to think thats the general belief of americans, we are number one tho in everything, just a reminder…….lol

    ryan

    November 8, 2009 at 4:24 pm

  12. @ryan – yeah, obesity, incest, idiocy…

    Robert Davies

    January 7, 2010 at 2:26 pm


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